My husband and I decided in the summer of 2017 that it was time to make a baby. We were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready to get it on. I had never had issues with my cycle, and we were both pretty healthy. So without a doubt, we thought getting pregnant was going to be easy. Infertility was the furthest thing from our minds.
Boy, were we wrong. Who knew I would be so fertile but infertile? You see, I was good at getting pregnant but struggled to stay pregnant.
We Made a Baby!
After two months of trying, the day arrived. The first positive pregnancy test of my life! We made a baby! There were tears of joy and excitement. I couldn’t wait to shout it at the top of my lungs. I knew there was a chance of miscarriage; however, no one thinks it will happen to them on their very first pregnancy. Well, you guessed it. It was too good to be true. At 6 weeks 4 days, we lost our first baby. If you’ve been there, you know the heart-wrenching gory details. And if you haven’t, I will spare you of them.
Back on the Horse
We took three months to heal physically and mentally. During this time, something inside me told me I needed to find a new doctor. Call it women’s intuition, but I knew after this first loss that making a baby was not going to be easy for my husband and me. I was not satisfied with the response from my doctor. So I knew I had to advocate for myself, cut my losses, and move on. After some routine fertility testing, we were ready to get back on the horse and try again.
We Made a Baby Again!
You guessed it. We got another positive pregnancy test right out of the gate. My doctor, being the wonderful human that she is, brought me in at 5 weeks for an ultrasound. Everything looked great! She brought me in again at 6 weeks to calm my nervous heart. There it was . . . the flicker on the screen. We had a heartbeat!
For one full week, I lived in bliss and pure joy. Then at 7 weeks, the shoe fell off, and alone in the doctor’s office I heard the words, “I’m sorry, I can’t find a heartbeat.” And for the second time, my world came crashing down. It felt like my world came to a complete halt, and everyone else’s life kept on moving.
I was lost. How could I be so fertile yet infertile? This is the first time I felt like the girl who cried wolf. Because for the second time, I’d have to tell a slew of friends and family members that I was no longer pregnant.
Now What?
What happens now? I am no longer part of the 1 in 4 women who will have a miscarriage. Sadly, I am now in the 1%. Only 1% of women will have repeated miscarriages. Because of this, my doctor decided we should take a more aggressive approach. And for this, I will forever be grateful. Although I’ve lost track of the amount of blood that has been taken from me and the number of times I’ve been poked and prodded, it was not in vain. While my doctor devised a plan, I leaned into my faith more than ever. I hung on to a quote that I saw one day walking the aisles of Hobby Lobby in the midst of my storm. “Where there is hope, there is faith. Where there is faith, miracles happen.” Without a doubt, this became my mantra.
Where there is hope, there is faith. Where there is faith, miracles happen.
My husband, family, and friends helped pick up all my broken pieces and put me back together. Again, we healed physically and emotionally. And we charged on in hopes of becoming parents. On our first try, there it was: a positive test staring back at us. This time no excitement, no joy, just fear at the possibilities of what could go wrong. This is the reality of pregnancy after loss.
One Day at a Time
One day at a time our baby grew stronger and stronger. And I started to let myself think it would all work out. Finally, this little bean might stick around. Maybe this time I wouldn’t have to feel like the girl that cried wolf. This time was different. I didn’t have to un-tell friends and family that I was pregnant. One day at a time our little boy grew strong and healthy and our rainbow baby was born three days after Christmas in 2018.
3 Years Later…
The girl who cried wolf is back. We are now on the journey to create a sibling. And you guessed it. It’s not going as planned. The story continues.
Originally published January 2022.
The opinions expressed in this post are those of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of El Paso Mom, its executive team, other contributors to the site, its sponsors or partners, or any organizations the aforementioned might be affiliated with.
You are amazing. In every way. All of this, is beautiful. Love you!
I love you, sister Vickie! You are strong and resilient in ways that many people will never understand. Thank you for sharing your story with us 🙏🏼
I love you Vickie 💞
Your kind heart, strength and determination are an inspiration to me.
Oh Vicki my heart breaks for you and your husband. 💔 Emi is such a wonderful baby and you’ll have another soon! In Jesus’s name Emi will be a big brother!! You are so strong 💪🏽 for continuing to try this makes me admire you all the more.
Thanks for sharing! It is a very trying time and many of the emotions you shared, we felt as well. We lost two pregnancies before 7 weeks. For a dad, it is a tough experience. I was there for my wife and a shoulder to cry on. But, you also feel a sense of helplessness; it is not your body going thru a loss and you don’t quite know how it truly feels for a mom. It is a traumatizing experience that people talk little of and why it’s so difficult to go thru. Since the social norm is to wait to tell anyone you are pregnant until the second trimester, you feel like you are on a deserted island and only God to lean on.
We were blessed with our rainbow baby in 2020 but it was not an easy journey for my wife. Similar to your experience, she went many tests and doctor visits and required nightly shots for the duration of the pregnancy. My wife undoubtedly would do it all over again. And we have. We are now pregnant again nearly 14 weeks along, due August 2022. Normalizing miscarriages and sharing our experiences is desperately needed.