It always shocks me when I think back to how many times I have had the opportunity to stare at a positive pregnancy test . . . 5 times. No, I am not the mother of five children earth-side. I have one beautiful son I have the privilege of raising. My first pregnancy ended in early miscarriage. And ever since then, I straddle the line between hope and heartbreak.
About a week ago in late March, I experienced my most recent loss. It ended in a way I never imagined. I suffered something that is considered rare, an ectopic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy is a pregnancy that implants outside of the uterus–in most cases (as in mine), in the fallopian tube. As a nurse, I always assumed this would cause a lot of pain, but I have learned that it can be an insidious event. I felt that it was necessary to share in case anyone reading ever finds themselves in a similar situation.
Natural family planning and my intuition pushed me to suspect an ectopic pregnancy.
I have been charting my cycle using the Creighton Method of natural family planning for almost a year when I found out I was pregnant. I was also working closely with a Napro Technology Nurse Practitioner. Both of these things helped me get to know my body on a different level. I truly believe this saved my life as an ectopic pregnancy can be life-threatening. With all the data I had gathered, I knew exactly when I conceived and was able to sense something was wrong when I was about 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant.
I had nonspecific symptoms.
I have had many miscarriages and was acutely aware of how they happened. First I would start cramping and bleeding. The bleeding wouldn’t stop until I passed the remnants of my pregnancy. This time was different. At about five weeks pregnant, I started spotting. It never got worse than spotting and stopped after a week. I was able to speak to my midwife and she ordered an HCG level to see whether or not it was increasing. This would give us a better idea if I was going to miscarry. My results were on the lower end of normal, so I tried to keep the hope alive.
At 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant, I started the day with some pelvic pressure. Soon after, the spotting returned. A few hours later, I started to have a tiny amount of pain on my left lower abdomen. I would have rated it a 1-2 on a scale of 0-10. This could have easily been explained away, but for some reason I felt something was wrong and started to research the symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy. I was concerned enough that I told my husband to take me to the emergency room.
In the emergency room, I was told that they could not identify an intrauterine pregnancy (a pregnancy in the correct location, the uterus). But that could be because I was too early in my pregnancy.
I knew this was not true because I knew exactly when we conceived. I had done labs that morning, so we went home to see if my HCG would increase appropriately. As a nurse, I had thought this all through. If my HCG dropped, I was having a miscarriage. If it increased exponentially, I was still pregnant. And if it increased slightly, I would be more concerned for an ectopic pregnancy.
I woke up at about 7:00 a.m. to look over my labs. And of course my HCG increased slightly, so I knew I had to see an OBGYN. Luckily, I was able to find someone that would see me that same day. He also couldn’t identify an intrauterine pregnancy and couldn’t rule out an ectopic. He told me that his machine wasn’t high tech enough, but that a Maternal Fetal Medicine (or high risk doctor) would be able to see that. Fortunately, I was able to also be seen that day by the high risk doctor.
I was told by this specialist that he was about 98% sure that I had an ectopic pregnancy. He spoke to me about my options and gave me true informed consent. I really appreciated this because as someone who is a birth worker, I know how hard it can be to receive informed consent.
I ended up electing to have urgent surgery that same day.
Intuitively I chose surgery because I felt that if I waited, I would have a ruptured fallopian tube which would be an emergency. I’m glad I chose this–because when the surgeon went in my tube had already ruptured.
It has not been easy for me to show myself grace in this post op and postpartum period. My mind has taken awhile to catch up to my body, and after experiencing terrible trapped air pain in my chest and shoulders for the first three days post op, I am now dealing with pretty terrible anxiety. These last few months for me have been full of losses and grief–my body and mind are acutely aware.
» » » » » » » » » » » RELATED READ: Pregnancy After Heartbreaking Loss « « « « « « « « « « « « «
If you ever find yourself in this situation, which I hope you don’t, my recommendations would be: advocate for yourself, listen to your body, and go to therapy. Miscarriages and pregnancy loss can leave someone with post traumatic stress disorder. It’s important to be aware and get the help you need.
Therapy has helped me immensely to learn to work through the immense grief that I’m feeling.
The opinions expressed in this post are those of the author. They do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of El Paso Mom, its executive team, other contributors to the site, its sponsors or partners, or any organizations the aforementioned might be affiliated with.
