Having grown up in El Paso as the Mexican-American majority, I lived most of my youth in a big bubble, unaware of biases from the outside world. For the most part everyone around me looks and talks like me. Those that don’t look like me accept you wholeheartedly. Then you travel outside of your El Paso bubble for the first time. It’s not until then that you are made painfully aware of the differences in your appearance from the majority of the world.
The August 3rd shootings was like traveling out of El Paso for the first time for me, but in a much more tragic scale.
After August 3rd, our immigrant community in El Paso was reminded of our differences and the challenges we’ve endured to be treated and seen as equals. It was a wake-up call that we were still being judge based on appearance alone. Someone drove for hours to commit one of the most heinous crimes in history because he was taught to hate a specific color of skin and culture.
Navigating Through the Emotions
After the August 3rd shooting, there was this inexplicable numbness and silence throughout our small community. I can’t speak for everyone, but I felt what could only be described as an emptiness and an inability to navigate my thoughts or emotions. A loss for words and understanding.
In the days after the shooting, our community wanted to move forward, but we didn’t know how. Day to day interactions after the tragedy involved asking how the other person was doing and if they had family affected by the tragedy. Unfortunately, several did.
How do we move forward while also honoring the lives lost and working for change? It was a feeling of helplessness mixed with fear and a realization that our differences still matter in ways we had thought we had already overcome.
Every aspect of this tragedy was hard to maneuver. We talked to our kids about the tragedy as it was occurring in the best way we could. The outcome led to them asking if they were white. Even though we CONSTANTLY have the conversation about their heritage. Then I realized they weren’t really asking about their heritage. My kids were asking about the color of their skin. They were wondering if they could be white passing because they were terrified to be perceived as Mexican. Needless to say it broke my heart.
Functioning with Fear
Aside from fearing to be targeted based on my race, I worried about stepping foot out of our house with my children. For months after the tragedy, I would run errands on my own. I felt morbid in thinking that if something were to happen it would happen only to me. The children would be safe.
Shortly after the tragedy, in mid-August, we had to travel to Arizona for work, and we had planned to make it a family trip. I couldn’t help but feel on edge.
On our drive, there we were listening to a podcast where a female minority talked about experiencing racial microaggressions but never doing anything to address it. Then one day she received a call that her brother and his family were killed in a racially motivated home invasion. She then realized that those racial microaggressions were not as innocent as she had assumed. I then wondered if I should have done more when faced with racism in the past. Should I have addressed those microaggressions? Should I have attempted to educate at that moment? How could I when I get so caught off guard when it happens?
When we arrived to our destination in Arizona, it felt like all eyes were on us. The color of our skin made us stick out like sore thumbs. I remember I kept getting angry at our kids for acting out because they were bringing more attention to us. It felt like we weren’t safe in our own skin, and I was taking it out on the kids. I wanted to be brave for them, but I was terrified and angry. I was so frustrated to live in a world where your appearance causes you to be treated differently.
How Do We Move Forward?
It was all so unfair and yet I had no real solution. I felt angry and targeted with no answers, only unresolved emotions. I can’t tell you exactly how I got over that. There really wasn’t much that I did other than let time pass. Luckily, counseling was heavily advertised and available for our community, even months after. I’ll admit I’m one of those moms who finds it impossible to schedule something for myself with an already inundated schedule. I never sought help even though I knew I should have.
I wish I could say I attended the memorial that same night to show support and not let fear win. The truth is I was absolutely terrified for my children. I did not want to be a part of a big crowd that night. I didn’t want to leave my house. We did step out the next day to try to take food to first responders or people waiting in line to donate blood. But in true El Paso fashion, all fast-food phone lines were busy and one actually told me they were completely sold out. Our community came together in a big way, like most communities do in tragedies. It was something I made sure to highlight with my kids. I let them know that there would always be helpers and good will always supersede evil.
Ways We Can Change the Narrative
The only way, I feel, we can overcome tragedies like these is to use the powers we do have and seek help to process our emotions. Vote whenever an election comes up and make sure you read up on the candidates and topics.
Do what you can to spread love and positivity in a tragedy. When August 3rd rolls around, I make time to honor the victims and do several random acts of kindness to fill the world with good and to honor the lives lost.
Also, make sure to use free mental health services El Paso provides to talk through your emotions and learn how to express your emotions in a healthy way.
We should also never forget or minimize the loss that occurred in our small community. Remember their names and the tragedy whenever we are faced with racism and injustices. Let’s learn to have these difficult conversations. We should help people understand that we all are the same in our core, and our differences are what should make our light shine brighter. We should never dim that light for anyone.
In honor of the lives lost on Aug. 3:
Andre Anchondo (23)
Jordan Anchondo (24)
Arturo “Tury” Benavides (60)
Leonardo Campos (41)
Maribel Loya (56)
Angie Englisbee (86)
Maria Flores (77)
Raul Flores (83)
Jorge Calvillo Garcia (61)
Guillermo “Memo” Garcia (36)
Adolfo Cerros Hernandez (68)
Sara Esther Regalado Moriel (66)
Alexander Gerhard Hoffman (66)
David Johnson (63)
Luis Alfonso Juarez (90)
Maria Eugenia Legarreta Rothe (58)
Elsa Mendoza Marquez (57)
Ivan Hilierto Manzano (46)
Gloria Irma Marquez (61)
Margie Reckard (63)
Javier Rodriguez (15)
Teresa Sanchez (82)
Juan Velazquez (77)
