What You Say To Foster or Adoptive Families Matters

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The life of a foster or adoptive family can only be described as an emotional rollercoaster, for all members involved. Your world is essentially turned upside down. To top it off, you now have to deal with several different opinions that are regularly vocalized.

Some things you say may seem harmless to you, but they may be disheartening to others. Below are some phrases you may have caught yourself saying and ways you can rephrase them in an effort to be more mindful.

To a foster or adoptive child:

You’re so lucky!

Nothing about a child who has had their life uprooted is lucky. On average most foster children have very low self-esteem. A statement like, “You’re so lucky to be placed with this family,” makes foster or adoptive children feel like they should be feeling something they’re probably not feeling. When foster or adoptive children are placed in new homes, they feel fearful, nervous, uncertain, and all-around uncomfortable for weeks, even months. A statement like this can belittle their feelings. They may even be hesitant to open up about their emotions in the future.

Instead try: I’m so glad you came to this family and that I got to meet you!

What You Say To Foster Or Adoptive Families Matter

You should be grateful!

See above! Again, a child who is now in foster care or up for adoption didn’t ask for this. They never asked to be placed in a situation where they are separated from their parents and sometimes their siblings. Sometimes these children move to a completely different city. At times these children are left wondering where their biological parents are and if they are safe. They didn’t ask for any of it nor is their situation any of their fault. Telling them to be grateful to be adopted or placed in a foster family is like telling a grieving mother to be grateful for having a rainbow baby and to stop grieving. Grief and happiness can be experienced all at once and is quite common!

Instead try: “It must be tough coming into a new family. You’re so brave!”

 

To foster or adoptive parents:

You’re doing such a good thing, adopting/fostering those children!

Children aren’t things! For us, this was just the path we approached to help us grow our family. We chose to adopt because we felt like we still had so much love left to give after we had our first child. My husband and I cringe whenever someone praises us about our “good deed.” We never did it for the accolades. We did it to build the family that we envisioned.

My biggest fear is that when the kids get older, they hear these words and get the perception that the only reason we took this path is to be seen as saints. We’ve all learned and grown so much from this journey. I feel like we are all working incredibly hard to be the best versions of ourselves for the sake of the family we have built. We wouldn’t be this mindful or open-minded had we not pursued foster to adoption, and for that, I am forever grateful.

A simple fix would be to just not tell people our children are adopted. However, at times the subject is unavoidable. Like in doctor’s offices when we’re asked about our children’s medical history or at school when they’re asked to bring in baby pictures or do a timeline of their life. We’ve taught our children to be vocal when prompted because we feel it helps them gain more confidence and normalizes the idea. There’s no way to avoid the subject, but please be mindful about your choice of words.

Instead try: “I’m so happy you got the family you always wanted and you took the path that was best for you and your family.” (A bit of a mouthful so use your own words if you’d like.)

Are you sure about this?

Trust me, we’re sure! We wouldn’t do a year’s worth of classes if we weren’t! We definitely wouldn’t have waited patiently for a placement for almost a full year if we weren’t 100 percent sure!

Did we know exactly what we’re getting ourselves into? Absolutely not!

We were, however, 100 percent committed. My husband and I did our homework and explored several different outcomes before committing. We even continued to do so during the process. We played devil’s advocate and asked all the possible “what ifs” we could think of. Even with every scenario we could think of, this was still the only process we wanted to pursue.

Instead try: “I know this is a lot to take on mentally and emotionally but I’m here if there’s ever anything I can do.”

What You Say To Foster Or Adoptive Families Matter

This seems like it’s taking a toll. Why don’t you give them back?

That’s not really an option. Many, if not all, foster or adoptive parents know the toll it takes to take such a step back. These children have experienced SEVERAL setbacks in their young lives. Adults letting them down is pretty high on that list of setbacks. Sure, it’s hard and some days are so much harder than others. But, giving up on our children and giving them another reason not to trust adults is just not an option.

Put yourself in their shoes for a bit. Especially an older child who understands exactly what is going on. You come to a new home and you don’t know whether or not to trust these adults. As far as you know, adults haven’t been the most trustworthy people.

So, in true kid fashion, you’re going to test the limits! You want to see where you stand with THIS family. What have you got to lose? You may also have some triggers that NO ONE knows about because you’re still too afraid to talk about your past experiences.

What families supporting a foster or adoptive family need to understand is that it takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight.

Sometimes things don’t get better for years, but they do get better and it is so worth it when it does.

Instead try: “Hey you look like you need a break! Let me babysit!” (ALL types of parents actually need to hear this!)

 

Did childbirth really scare you off that much?

Yeah, kinda! That’s not why we decided to adopt though!

Females are not fragile creatures, especially when it comes to childbearing.

Everyone has different reasons as to why they choose to adopt. For us, this was just the way we chose to continue to grow our family. It was something my husband and I both agreed on. The decision seemed like a natural path for us to take.

Instead try: “I’m so glad you’re growing your family!”

 

Are they ALL yours?

Yep! At first, I felt the need to explain my situation to every person who asked. After a while, I started thinking, “Yeah they’re my kids! What’s it to you?!” (only in my head though). Out loud I would just politely say, “Yep, they’re a handful!” My response is usually followed by one of two follow-up questions; “Are the little ones twins?” “How far apart are they?” I then get side-eye whenever I say they’re a year apart. The conversation usually ends with, “Boy, you were busy!” Yes, that’s something foster families with multiples or large families have to deal with on a regular basis.

I feel like there are so many families with so many different situations nowadays that it’s a bit impolite to ask if the children are yours. It’s understandable to be curious but take the time to be mindful as well. I’m not always going to take the time to explain our situation in order to normalize adoption or fostering, I’m a busy mom! I also feel like I’m causing more harm to my children when I separate them into categories of adopted or biological.

Although, my daughter used to do a good job of telling EVERYONE she met that she was adopted. Her outbursts made for several awkward conversations with complete strangers. There was one great conversation that I can recall. An elderly lady opened up to us about losing two of her children and turning to adoption after experiencing loss. She was so happy that my daughter chose to come up to her that day. That’s one situation, of many, where my daughter taught me a lesson. Sometimes when you do take the time to open up, it helps others heal.

Instead try: “What a beautiful family!” (Actually, we do get this a lot and I appreciate it so much every time!)

 

Which one is YOURS?

This one is for families who have adopted and also have a biological child. Again, it makes me uncomfortable when I have to separate my children into categories. I’ve seen several foster or adoptive families who express the same grievance through social media. I haven’t gotten this question directly in a while. For the most part, I just overhear people asking family members about us. Personally, we prefer to not be a part of the conversation. So, if your curiosity is eating away at you, ask a family member, not the family.  I understand the curiosity, but as a foster or adoptive family, they’re ALL ours, period.

Instead try: “YOUR kids are gorgeous!” (Make sure to use the word gorgeous.)

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Adriana Salas de Santiago
Adriana is a proud Mexican-American, born and raised in El Paso, Texas. Formerly, she worked as a Public Affairs Specialist at White Sands Missile Range for 10 years. During the pandemic, she had to venture into unknown territory as a stay-at-home mom for her four children, each one year apart. Adriana and her husband Adrian have been happily married for nine years. Last year they decided to open a woodworking business out of their home that has allowed them to meet several talented local small business owners. They love El Paso's sense of community, unique culture, and the hidden gems they still find during their outings around town. Adriana loves her family, writing, crafting, baking, hiking, volunteering, and sewing, in that order. Her greatest goal as a parent is to raise fulfilled, mindful, and compassionate children. Follow her on Instagram here.

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