Who Am I? Unexpectedly Becoming a Stay-at-Home Mom

My husband and I decided to start trying to have a baby in late 2018. I got pregnant rather quickly but miscarried. We conceived again soon after but miscarried again. When we were finally blessed with a successful pregnancy, I was left feeling like a shell of a person.

I was excited to be pregnant, but I was also so deeply terrified of what could happen to this baby.

My son was born. I had an amazing labor and delivery experience in February 2020. I was so excited to have my family enjoy my son.

Little did I know the pandemic was about to start.

The pandemic changed everything.

I was working as a nurse in ICU, and I was very happy at my job. When the severity of the pandemic was setting in, my husband and I realized that it might not be best for me to return to work. I never thought I was going to be a stay-at-home mom. But I had a newborn at home, and the unknowns surrounding COVID were too overwhelming, especially since I would be faced with it head-on at work. Nonetheless, it was a very hard decision for me to make.

My husband seemed to think me quitting and becoming a stay-at-home mom was the obvious and easy choice. But I didn’t see it that way. I loved my job and felt a strong sense of my identity was tied to it.

If I wasn’t going to work as a nurse, then who was I?

I’m more than a mother. When I called my boss to tell her, I cried. I think it was something hard for my husband to wrap his mind around because he thought staying at home was a great opportunity, and we were lucky to have that option. I felt guilty for not feeling that way. Yes, staying at home has proven to be a blessing to me. But it’s also incredibly hard.

Staying at home is suffocating and lonely, especially during a pandemic. I was stuck at home with my son, along with my thoughts with very limited social interactions. There were so many ups and downs, so many dark thoughts to battle with. In so many ways, it felt like my world was imploding both on a small and large scale.

I love my son and I have loved watching him every day as he grew, but I struggled. Everyone talks about how rewarding motherhood is. But they forget to mention how lonely it can be.

I’m a new stay-at-home mom, and I don’t have all the answers. What I’ve learned is that it is normal to feel this way, and it is necessary to take the time to find myself again.

I am not who I used to be. My son has changed me. But I’m starting to find myself again.